This is where you will find quotes from the characters. They may be funny, random, or just plain stupid as most of the things they say tend to be!

Kurt - "If it's another suicide attempt, tell them they must try harder" - series 1 episode 1

Susan - "Thick as shit but they're quite entertaining" - on class 8F, series 1 episode 1

Jenny - "Are you doing Treasure Island this week or just having a mid-life crisis?" - after seeing Simon's earring, series 1 episode 1

Arnie - "My God, is it 1992 already?" - after seeing Simon's earring, series 1 episode 1

Jenny - "I do go out."
Simon - "What, to get your annual charisma injection?"
Jenny - "Do you ever manage to say anything remotely adult?"
Simon - "My dad's bigger than yours!" - series 1 episode 2

Simon - "So, what's the policy on having girlfriends back here?"
Brian - "It's never come up." - series 1 episode 3

Simon - "I couldn't organise a fucking bun fight in Kiplings!" - series 1 episode 3

Kurt - "Would you rather have sex behind the fish counter in Tesco's or at the checkout in Kwicksave?" - series 1 episode 4

Kurt - "I had a wank in the I.T room once."
Brian and Simon give him disgusted looks
Kurt - What?! It was break-time!" - after Simon asked if they'd had sex in an exciting place, series 1 episode 4

Simon - "Because you're all so keen to do well in them, we'll go through exam tecnique."
The class moan
Jeremy - "Brilliant!" - series 1 episode 5

Simon - "Liz, if you had to name one good thing about living with a partner, what would it be?"
Liz - "I don't know....I'm married!"
Simon - "Carol, if you had to name one...no it's ok, I don't think you can help." - series 1 episode 5

Maggie - "What makes you think you can turn up out of the blue with a chicken and announce you're moving in?"
Simon - "Lucky guess?!" - series 1 episode 5

Simon - "Jenny...it's you"
Jenny - Changed my mind, there's nothing on telly anyway."
Simon - "There's always cable" - when Jenny turns up at the party, series 1 episode 5

Brian - "In my first two terms I turned a cup winning first eleven into a cup, league and inter-school losing side. Look at me now!"
Simon - "Yeh but who cares if the kids pass running around? This is English we're talking about."
Kurt - "Oh here we go."
Simon - "And how hard can it be to pass GCSE typing a letter and downloading porrn?" - series 1 episode 6

Kurt - "Me and Brian have stashed some light refreshments away if you fancy it?"
Simon - "Is the pope Polish?!"
Kurt - "Don't know, is he?" - series 1 episode 6

Maggie - "That means you're a role model....what a terrifying fucking thought!" - when Arnie tells Simon he wants to be an English teacher, series 1 episode 6

Clare - "Mr McKenna, any lucky narrowing down where this material is coming from?"
Kurt - "I think we can safely say its European" - The porrnography problem, series 1 episode 7

Simon - "Well I'll ring and notify Egor the doorman I'm coming then shall I? Bet she doesn't even have a telly does she?"
Susan - "She does actually"
Simon - "Sofa?"
Susan - "Yes"
Simon - "Strange, I always imagined her listening to organ music hanging upside down from a beam." - Susan invites Simon to Jenny's, series 1 episode 7

Brian - "Christ, she can shift some ale!"
Simon - "Hollow legs. And eyes that start to focus after eight pints." - After Carol downs a pint, series 1 episode 7

Simon - "You could always try 'fuck off and die, Carol." - When Kurt's trying to dump Carol, series 2 episode 1

Alec - "If I told you you were a mechanic, would you fix my car?"
Brian - "I'd probably have a go, yeah." - When everyone tells Brian he's gay, series 2 episode 4

Kurt - "He's left Marjory. If it was serious he would have taken his chicken." - when Brian stays out all night, series 2 episode 4

Brian - "You know what's wrong with Susan?"
Kurt - "Thrush?" - series 2 episode 5

Susan - "I think they're into Tantric sex."
Brian - "Is that when you piss on each other?" - About Jenny and Alec, series 2 episode 5

Kurt - "Maybe he's bisexual."
Brian - "Lucky bastard!"
Kurt - "How is that lucky?"
Brian - "He can shag anyone!" - About J.P, series 2 episode 5

Brian - "Oh great, the trampoline's broke. I told Jeremy not to go on it. Fat fuck!" - series 2 episode 6

J.P - "Aww, shame, he died dressed like a twat." - when they thought Bob had a heart attack, series 2 episode 6

Susan - "I want to have a baby."
Kurt - "What?! Can't you get the drinks in first?" - series 2 episode 7

Susan - "Next time you do that it's going in the bin." - about Bev's baby, series 2 episode 7

Simon - "I've hardly ever left this town. I don't even know if all the places I hear about actually exist. America, France, Wales." - series 2 episode 8

Kurt - "Brian, word association. Paris."
Brian - "Croissant."
Kurt - "Spain."
Brian - "Bull."
Kurt - "South America"
Brian - "Hostage situation!" - After Simon tells them his travel plans, series 2, episode 8

Simon - "I know this is a terrible thing to do but I also know that if i stay here I might...die!" - on quitting his job, series 2 episode 8

Simon - "I've brought a plane ticket!"
Clare - "You can't just buy a fucking plane ticket on the spur of the fucking moment!"
Simon - "Well that's what I thought, but travel agents these days..." - series 2 episode 8

Jenny - "Where's yours?"
J.P - "I lost it."
Jenny - "Lost it how?"
J.P - "When I was three my mother left me outside a supermarket for four hours. Since then I've had trouble remembering anything trivial." - About his chart about the student's problems, series 2 episode 9

Brian - "You're not going?"
Jenny - Sarcastically "No, I'm going to the bar to get some more drinks but it's very cold up there so I thought I'd wrap up warm."
Brian - "Pint of lager please." - When Jenny gets ready to leave the pub, series 2 episode 10

Kurt - "All I'm saying is she can do better for herself. I mean I could be head of I.T in a few years. What's Ratboy ever gonna be? Head of test tubes with special responsibility for bunsen burners?" - about Carol, series 2 episode 10

Kurt - "Kurt's theory of fat birds. The fatter the bird, the more likely she is to fancy me."
Brian - "That makes no sense. And it's politically... you know that thing with dwarves." - series 3 episode 1

Brian - "Liz, which one of us does 'lazy, adolescent and selfish in bed' apply to?"
Liz - "Easy. Brian."
Kurt - "Thank you."
Liz - "Kurt would be 'lazy, selfish and adolescent in bed." - After Lindsay tells Brian what her boyfriends are usually like, series 3 episode 1

Brian - "I can't believe you didn't remember to remind me to remember my car!"
Kurt - "I forgot!" - series 3 episode 1

Kurt - "He hasn't had sex in months."
Brian - "Weeks!"
Kurt - "Erm, when it gets to over 20 weeks, I think we can call it months." - Trying to make Bob feel better when Liz dumps him, series 3 episode 4

Clare - "A spastic is someone with cerebral palsy, not someone who misses an open goal on the football field, Mr Steadman." - series 3 episode 5

Clare - "I never want to see 'for being a mong' written as an explanation in the detention book again thank you, Mr McKenna." - series 3 episode 5

Penny - "You shoudn't let it get to you. You don't look 30."
Lindsay - "Don't i?"
Penny - "No. You can never tell how old fat people are. The fat kind of pushes the wrinkles out." - Trying to make Lindsay feel better, series 3 episode 5

Simon - "So, I go up to her, ask her if she wants to go for a non-sex drink with me, not because I want to but because I've been travelling and Brian doesn't want her to know he's gagging for it, making absolutely clear that both my mates, one anonymous, one to be referred to only as 'the hilarious one' will be there." - sorting out asking Eileen to the pub, series 3 episode 6

Kurt - "Dear Mr and Mrs Keane, your child is a complete shithead. Love Kurt." - Kurt's anonymous letter to Brandon's parents, series 3 episode 8

Kurt - "Simon, please tell Brian I don't need a lift."
Simon - "What the fuck?!"
Brian - "Simon, ask Kurt how else is he going to get to school?"
Kurt - "Tell Brian I'm gonna use Simon's bike."
Brian - "Remind Kurt that he broke Simon's bike at the weekend."
Simon - "You broke Simon's bike?"
Kurt - "Remind Brian that he promised not to tell Simon I'd broken his bike."
Simon - "How did Kurt break my bike?"
Kurt - "Kurt's not sure."
Brian - "He dropped it."
Simon - "How can you fucking drop it?"
Brian - "Please thank Brian for putting Kurt in the shit!"
Brian - "Tell Kurt he still hasn't told Brian how he's going to get to school." - When Brian and Kurt aren't speaking, series 2 episode 9

Penny - "You're here so I can teach you Shakespeare and I can't teach you Shakespeare if you're standing on your head."
Student - "You can't teach us Shakespeare because you're shit!" - series 3 episode 10

Matt - "Since when did you decide to stay single?"
Kurt - "Oh a while ago. You know, decided to take it easy, enjoy my own company."
Lindsay - "Just you and your sock." - series 3 episode 11

Matt - "I know what you're thinking. There's nobody here, but Clare says we don't have a truency problem anymore, and who am I to argue?" - Lindsay and Penny look at the empty classroom, series 3 episode 12

Clare - "There's only one thing I hate more than a bad loser."
Bob - "What's that?"
Clare - "You." - when she beats him in the sack race, series 3 episode 12

Lindsay - "What would you say separates human beings from other animals?"
Student - "Fences." - series 3 episode 13

Kurt - "See? Matt didn't know that either and he reads books, even when he doesn't have to." - About pupils dilating if you fancy someone, series 3 episode 13

Clare - "Has anybody seem Knob? I mean Bob?" - series 3 episode 13

Clare - "Can the PE department at least make it look like we're trying to make some of those fat little things run around a bit." - On Obesity Awareness Month, series 4 episode 4

Clare - "We might laugh at the beliefs of others but we can't do it to their faces. Not any more" - On Religious Tolerance Week, series 4 episode 5

If you have a quote you would like added to this page, feel free to email them to quotes@teachers-online.cjb.net